I grew up in a small town in Connecticut called Brookfield. I am an only child, and lived a very privileged existence. I wanted for nothing, was provided with everything I could have ever asked for, and this aided in shaping a sense of entitlement that I carried with me into my adult life.
When I was going into High School, I ended up experiencing some extremely intense family issues involving one of my parents, of which I will not go into great detail, but which had a profound negative effect on my mental state and my feelings of security. At such a formative age to be dealing with such harsh circumstances was a tall order to ask of anyone, and I was smart enough to know this. My sense of entitlement due to this situation grew even worse, as now I had a huge and legit excuse to not really have to be accountable for any of my actions. When I didn't turn a paper in on time, I blamed it on my family life. When I acted out in class, or started a fight in the cafeteria, I hid behind the emotional turmoil I was going through as a result of my home situation. The people in my life, and in the school system felt very bad for me, and that was something I took advantage of for a long time. It was only recently that I realized that this type of behavior and these thought patterns have been my primary problem in my life pretty much since this situation came to pass.
I made it through High School by the skin of my teeth, only because of the compassion of my teachers and my ability to manipulate them. I was always pretty intelligent, and never had much trouble doing any work that I actually applied myself to, so although my G.P.A. was absolutely dismal, I managed to score a 1490 on my S.A.T.'s the one time that I actually took them. (I showed up to that test half drunk and stoned out of my mind by the way) Those S.A.T. scores got me admission to the University of Connecticut, where I attended for exactly three semesters before I dropped out. I don't think that I even attended one class to pick up one Syllabus my third semester there. It was all about partying, numbing my feelings, and being free from my home life at that time. I didn't care that my parents were paying 20k a semester for me to attend there. I had absolutely no concept of the value of money, and was too self centered to even consider the feelings of my loved ones who wanted to see me succeed. This was where my drug and alcohol use really took off, and this is where my life really started to spiral downward.
While attending UConn for those three semesters, before I was asked to leave for not completing any of my work or attending my classes, I found the game of Texas Hold 'em. Me and a group of friends would get together every other night, drink, and play .25 cent .50 cent cash games buying in for 20 dollars or so. I was absolutely the biggest fish of the group, and I don't believe I booked more than 5 winning sessions in a year and a half of playing. But I loved the game, and as I said earlier, anything I put my mind to being successful at, I have usually been able to find success if I had the desire to apply myself. To make a long story short, for three years after leaving UConn I futilely attempted to play poker for a living. I would build a roll, then go broke, get a job, save some money, and then do it all over again. This happened endlessly from 2005 until November of 2008.
Bear in mind that throughout this entire time period, both described above and which I will delve into going forward, the progression of my alcoholism and drug addiction was getting worse, and as I found more and more comfort in the use of those substances to manage my emotions and the way I felt about myself, the more my life skills and coping mechanisms began to be stunted. For many people, High School and College are times for self realization, growth and to find a path and purpose in life. My only purpose throughout this phase of my existence was to remove myself from reality as much as possible. I had found comfort in not being accountable or responsible to anyone or anything. After all, If there were no expectations of me, there couldn't possibly be any disappointments.
I heard something quite profound recently that describes my attitude and outlook on life during this period of time perfectly. Someone said:
"Most normal people adjust their behaviors to fit their hopes, dreams and aspirations, and alcoholics and drug addicts adjust their hopes, dreams, and aspirations to fit their behaviors."
This pretty much sums it up for me. That is how I chose to live my life from the age of 15 until about 3 months ago.
In my next blog I will begin to get into detail about how my career started, and the journey that I have been on throughout the last five years in the poker world. And how this profession effectively enabled me to not address any of the character flaws or behavior patterns described above. This is a very abbreviated history of my early adolescence but I think that the main points have been made. Hopefully this brings some insight as to what events and attitudes led me up to the beginning of my poker career.
No comments:
Post a Comment